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transgender / genderqueer etiquette question392 views |
| boptheduck - 03/02/08 - 1:08 pm (76.22.98.29) |
| ok guys. need advice PLZ. So, since moving to Seattle, I met this guy Cameron. He um, sells me weed. OK. Got that part out of the way. So Cameron has come by to my place to drop off 3 or 4 times. The last couple times, it's been this other guy Pete who's like his second in command or whatever. But yesterday's drop was Cameron. so I hear a knock on the door, I get up and answer, and it's Cameron, but he was dressed in drag,as a woman. Not like, drag queen drag, but dressed as if he were genuinely trying to be a nonflashy, nondrag-queen female. He had on girls' jeans, eye makeup, lipgloss, hair done in a feminine hairdo, and a pink jacket on, feminine earrings, etc. He passed workably - he doesn't have a pronounced Adam's apple, no stubble, and is short and pretty slight anyway. To be clear, I have zero issues with trans individuals - more power to him if this is how he feels most comfortable in his skin and in his life. I did a mental doubletake but decided I would just act the way I normally do, that it would make him feel more comfortable if I just accepted it and acted normal rather than being taken aback or asking questions about it. I have no idea if it was a one-time thing, if he's been living as a woman for a while (since I hadn't seen him in a couple months, just his dude Pete), or somewhere in between. My question: what do you guys think I should have done? I'm not like close to this guy or anything, but we know each other casually and I know a bit about him - education background, what town he lives in, etc. Did I do the right thing playing it cool, or should I have been outwardly curious and asked respectful questions? What's the more respectful thing to do? I'm guessing that it varies by situation. He didn't seem put off by my lack of reaction at all, nor did he say anything about his appearance changes- we did our business and he left. (I realize there are trans-specific pronouns I could have used here, but just for clarity, I'm calling Cameron a he even though he may prefer to be called she; I just don't know!) |
| DR_PEEBZ - 03/02/08 - 1:09 pm (209.6.203.122) |
| 15% GRATUITY IS STANDARD |
| jeffpoot - 03/02/08 - 1:11 pm (66.151.52.100) |
| yeah i probably would have been like "haha oh cool" or some shit. he probably would have been alright with you noticing he dresses like he has a vagina |
| fluff - 03/02/08 - 1:12 pm (216.15.125.149) |
| id say you did right. cameron would address it if wanted to |
| ellehcim - 03/02/08 - 1:15 pm (71.232.185.191) |
| ultimately, this person's gender is pretty much irrelevant to your interactions. if you want to know just for curiosity's sake, i'd say it doesn't merit bringing it up, and just avoid pronouns with them. otherwise, if you see them again and their gender presentation is feminine again, you could just say as much and ask how they identify/what pronouns they prefer. it might also make cameron feel more comfortable around you if you seem knowledgeable/supportive. |
| Rory - 03/02/08 - 1:18 pm (168.122.250.111) |
| maybe the heat is on cameron due to people blowing up his spot on the internet so he's dressing like a woman for a while. |
| boptheduck - 03/02/08 - 1:21 pm (76.22.98.29) |
| cameron's not his real name, dude. though his real name is something that is both a male and female name; i picked cameron so it would be representative of the kind of name he had, cause cameron is also a male & female name. |
| steve_ca - 03/02/08 - 1:21 pm (24.61.250.219) |
| I think how you acted is fine. The only time I can see you inquiring about this to him is if/when the relationship gets stronger over time and he becomes more comfortable around you. So buy a lot from him, all the time and find out, then post about it. |
| Rory - 03/02/08 - 1:24 pm (168.122.250.111) |
| I was joking. I thought it was a funny possibility though. |
| boptheduck - 03/02/08 - 1:27 pm (76.22.98.29) |
| oh ok. :) |
| truthserum - 03/02/08 - 1:33 pm (71.162.101.138) |
| what ellehcim said. though, i usually ask, "do you have a prefered pronoun?" instead of asking "which do you prefer?" because there are folks who use the alternates. also, if you're recommending his services to other people, it'd be good to know whether you should use gender neutral language or not etc, so whether you get involved in his life, it could be useful info. but yah, if you're just curious, but you're not going to hang with him/her. don't bother about it too much. it sounds like you were respectful. |
| boptheduck - 03/02/08 - 1:35 pm (76.22.98.29) |
| thanks! |
| jeffpoot - 03/02/08 - 1:37 pm (66.151.52.100) |
| he's a guy |
| donnapoleon - 03/02/08 - 2:44 pm (67.46.0.13) |
| Once I was in a similar situation and before I could stop it my big fat mouth said "WOW you look GREAT I never would have known you were the same person!" but thankfully that person was pleased |
| tylerforpants - 03/02/08 - 2:50 pm (96.240.182.126) |
| this is a slippery slope. sometimes ignoring a change like this is the more awkward road. i mean, shit, a lot of people get offended when you don't mention their new haircuts, let alone a big change like this. |
| FloodOfMolasses - 03/02/08 - 3:06 pm (71.232.118.73) |
| "Do you have a preferred pronoun?" is pretty good - although maybe a bit formal. If the interaction is informal enough (which pot-buying should be) you could try something like, "Um, should I stop thinking of you as 'this *dude* I buy weed from'?" |
| boptheduck - 03/03/08 - 8:59 am (146.129.249.238) |
| top, day crew. |
| boptheduck - 03/03/08 - 10:35 am (146.129.249.238) |
| I feel like if I had titled this thread "my dealer showed up in drag" it would have gotten a lot more views. |
| chrissie - 03/03/08 - 10:40 am (128.95.25.143) |
| I have nothing to say on this topic, but I live in Seattle too. |
| walker - 03/03/08 - 10:43 am (168.122.83.18) |
| You should have said "Oh, you must be Cameron's little sister!" chicks love it when you tell them they look young. |
| zekar - 03/03/08 - 11:12 am (76.118.71.201) |
| that's a tough one because some are comfortable with you bringing it up and some are insulted i probably would have said something if i felt as weird as you seem to be feeling. like a compliment or a non-intrusive joke or something |
| jonleonard - 03/03/08 - 11:13 am (209.6.144.175) |
| I would have said, "Your balls are showing." |
| boptheduck - 03/03/08 - 11:13 am (146.129.249.238) |
| I don't feel weird, I just don't want cameron to feel weird. I want to make sure I'm doing the thing that will make him feel the least weird, the most comfortable and accepted, etc. and not just cause he can get me a sweet deal on bubble hash. |
| donnapoleon - 03/03/08 - 11:18 am (209.128.141.241) |
| I think if Cameron felt weird about it he wouldn't have shown up dressed that way in the first place |
| ssg - 03/03/08 - 11:25 am (170.223.185.165) |
| Ask her if she has a sister. In Massachusetts. With bubble hash. No, seriously, I feel like I would probably make some sort of acknowledgement just to see if she'd like you to use female pronouns now or a different name or whatever, but I also feel dumb giving advice here when username: truthserum is already in the house and has a lot more experience and knows a lot more people who spend time thinking about these issues. |
| boptheduck - 03/07/08 - 1:37 pm (146.129.249.238) |
| well cameron just txted me "Qp of killer purple available. first come first serve, this stuff
goes quick." so i guess all is fine on the "my dealer showed up in drag" front. |
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